I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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