hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You need a sexual gate keeper
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
