woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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