i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
