I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
