in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
