help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
