im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
