before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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