I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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