I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
