So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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