hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
