he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think I just sharted jello shots
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
