I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
