My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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