well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
