now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
