those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
