I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
