i just had sex bonerless
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
