Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
