it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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