If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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