This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
