While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
