i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
