I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
