what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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