Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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