i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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