If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
