if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
