can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
