I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
