i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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