My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think your dad took our porno
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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