I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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