I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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