I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
