Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize