wanna go halves on a baby?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
