I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
