im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
