I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could teleport
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
