dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
What drink are we having for lunch?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
