my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
