If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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