just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i've created a new STD.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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