apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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