Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
