I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
