just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
